Thank you 85 million years of genetic evolution.

(Source: swagtorialist, via roldankevin)

illustratedexample:

Your Guide to Opening Day 2012

Welcome to baseball everyone. If there is one thing that everyone loves it’s opening day. It means Spring is here and the summer is just around the corner. Your team is on level terms with everyone else and you’re really excited because you have a chance right now to get to the playoffs, but that will soon be a non factor as your team is going to lose every game of the next month and you’re going to realize you still have to put up with like 7 more months of this shitty ass team. You can’t be in every city at once, so I’ve compiled a guide to all of the festivities going on in each city so you can figure out where you want to be today.

Arizona Diamondbacks- Make sure you stop at the Arizona Tea Party tent before the game to sign the petition to get all of the illegals off the team and make sure the team is only filled with (white) legal Amurricans. First 5000 fans in the stadium get a fully loaded handgun provided by the NRA.
Atlanta Braves- Make sure you bring your Xanax as you realize this is the last time Chipper Jones is going to play in an opening day game.
Baltimore Orioles- [Wire reference]
Boston Red Sox- Make sure you call into WEEI in the second inning when the Sox are down 1-0 to express your extreme disgust in Bobby Valentine/people who eat fried chicken/Manny Ramirez/literally everything because the Sox just can’t lose this one, they need to win every game.
Chicago White Sox- Make sure you talk to the guy next to you in the stands about how much you hate the Cubs and Cubs fans. High five each other for being such awesome and so contrary. 
Chicago Cubs- Slam down some Old Styles and talk to all the other Wrgileyville bros about how if you see Steve Bartman you’re going to murder him, never mentioning how the Cubs also completely fucked up game 7 all by themselves.
Cinncinnati Reds- Come sit in the brand new Pete Rose section, where you can make unlimited bets on literally everything. Someone put $10 on there being 4 3rd basemen in the 4th inning.
Cleveland Indians- Nothing is happening because everyone has left Cleveland, and for good reasons.
Colorado Rockies- Make sure you show up in LODO in droves to show how much you love baseball drinking at Sports Column. Never pay attention to the Rockies again unless they make the playoffs.
Detroit Tigers- Stop by the Hooters tent before the game to watch Prince Fielder and Miguel Cabrerra face off in an wing eating contest. Wilford Brimley will be on hand to give out free Diabetes tests.
Florida Marlins- Wonder how they’re going to fill up this new stadium with 300 people a night.
Houston Astros- Come to the game and see how year 6 of our 20 year rebuilding project is going.
Kansas City Royals- Sorry, I don’t have a funny Royals joke.
Los Angeles Angels- Come Albert Pujols at the Albert Pujols and Albert Pujols with Albert Pujols
Los Angeles Dodgers- Come to the game early as the pregame festivites start in the 3rd inning. After the game make sure to come to the afterparty starting in the 8th inning.
Milwaukee Brewers- First 10,000 fans get a free drug test administered by the MLB, if you test positive they’ll make sure they botch it so you can get off scott free.
Minnesota Twins- Before the game come pay your respects at the Joe Mauer’s knees memorial statue unveiling. We’re gonna miss those guys.
New York Mets- Come check out the brand new self loathing Mets fan section, where you can sit with fellow Mets fans and bitch about how big a disaster this season already is.
New York Yankees- Make sure you wear your Giants Super Bowl gear as you take the train down from Stamford, you rich front running asshole. First 5,000 fans can exchange their Jeremy Lin jerseys for a vial of ARod ball sweat.
Oakland Athletics- Free BART trains from the stadium take you directly back to AT&T park after you realize what a fucking dump Oakland is and it was stupid to come out here because Brad Pitt isn’t actually the GM.
Philadelphia Phillies- Come to the Geico 2012 World Series preparation beer garden, where you will learn how to properly flip cars and burn trash cans in preparation for the World Series Champion or World Series loss riots of 2012.
Pittsburgh Pirates- Choice of free Andrew McCutchen Yankees shirtsey or a shirtsey featuring the prospects to be named later he’ll be traded for in July.
San Diego Padres- Jesus fucking christ there are a lot more baseball teams than I thought there were.
San Francisco Giants- Join Tim Lincecum before the game on Haight street as he sits in a window playing Phish riffs on his guitar. Free weed for everyone!!
Seattle Mariners- Come watch Felix Hernandez get his first loss as he throws a one hitter but you can literally only score .025 runs per game.
St. Louis Cardinals- Free Furcal nameplate and number 1 patches for your Pujols jersey for the first 10,000 fans.
Tampa Bay Rays- Come to the Club Shop and get your Manny Ramirez and Johnny Damon jerseys, now 98% off. Free Joe Maddon cool dad glasses with purchase.
Texas Rangers- Come watch our notable second place finishers in history video montage. Featuring Bill Buckner, Ryan Leaf, The Butler Bulldogs, the Buffalo Bills, and Thomas Dewey.
Toronto Blue Jays- Hey, we’ve changed back to our cool old logo, come watch Jose Bautista and some other people finish behind the Red Sox, Yankees, and Rays for the next thousand years.
Washington Nationals- Watch as Stephen Strausburg makes his first dominating start of the season. But wait no, please come back tomorrow too. I know you have no idea who any of our other pitchers are, but please just come to a game he’s not pitching.

quotehimonthat:

Learn from your downfalls and be proud of your accomplishments

(via thinslicer)

(Source: citruspanther, via humblepeasants)

refinedcoast:

This is a sight that pretty much every guy wants to wake up to. 

nuff said.

(Source: comfortablethoughts)

Now that IS unique.

(Source: sentimentalmouths, via lukedixonart)